Thread:

Need advice from dads of "adult children" that booted them from the nest.

My sister left her husband a few months back over a similar situation as hkunz's. She dealt with it for years and finally figured he was never gonna side with my sister so she left. They were together like 12 years (I always thought he was a tool ).
One of my kids is taking a while "to find himself".... but he's working, paying rent and helps around the house if told to. Not going to school or really moving himself forward IMHO. Really like the kid, lots of fun to hang around, but a couple more years we'll probably have to start leaning on him to get with the program.

Uncle D - just happened upon this thread an figured I'd hand out some change too... (.02) My wife (#2) and I have sent 3 of our 4 kids out onto their own so far with the 4th coming up soon. We both had 2 kids each from previous marriages and made them all one big family that worked out pretty well with the same basic rules you layed out in the begininng of this thread. It has worked well. What most "parents" dont provide to their kids is "parenting" instead of 'friendship'... we are not here to be their FRIENDS!... we are here to TRAIN them to be functional ADULTS. They should be capable of providing for themselves and being self sufficient, man or woman. I have 3 daughters and have taught them NOT to be reliant on any man at any time. I have a son and have taught him that he will be responsible for a family at some point in time. They have all learned responsibility... to whatever extent that is right now in their life, but they realize it is all theirs. All four of my kids have saved and purchased and have a pink slip to their own cars. They learned thru work that there is a means to an end and to get there they had to EARN it. They have also learned that the house rules apply no matter what age you become, even 18! - they knew that just because they turned 18 it did not give un-alienable rights in OUR house, it was still our house and our rules. They have all their own rights and rules when they make their own living and pay their own way and bills for EVERYTHING.We have always taught them that nothing in life is free. Even education; an education is an investment in THEIR future not in mine... and that is why they will be paying for their own educations for whatever they choose to do. I do not beleive in this ideology that parents should be on the hooks for the all of their kids' formal education.... mostly because if they 'invest' in themselves, then they are going to get alot more out of it than if I am paying the bill and they are riding the wave! We have a 23 year old that is married now and doing very well for herself, but it took her wanting to buy a new car while living at home to tell her that it was time to go. If she could still afford a new car with a apt or house rent payment then go for it!. She used the new car money to go to college and get a degree.... her decision, not ours. #2 Daughter went off to college, shes gonna be starting her soph year now and she is making payments to school while living with her Uncle.... only because he's an idiot! long story there thats not worth telling. But he is undermining my parenting and I dont like it. Boy#1 joined the Marines, had always wanted to since he was freshmen and has our blessing. He is at Camp Lejume in NC right now training. Daughter #3 is graduating HS this week and will be going to Jr College in the fall. She has 2 jobs and is saving her money for college and already wants to get out into her own apartment, but we are not pushing, just keepingthe nudge there so she knows we support her in whatever she chooses to do. She is welcome to stay for her first year because we do believe in creating a foundation for their goals. But it must be met with accomplishment. A way forward, not just lazy ass compliance with the status quo! Failure does not seem to be an option for these kids, which means to me that they realize that 'providing for themselves' was a good bottom line learning basis.

PTC is right, in my opinion. I'm not supposed to be her friend, I'm the parental unit.... Her sperm donor wasn't really a dad, and she hasn't had the opportunity to grow up. This may now be coming along... I posted some old Navy sayings on Facebook, which she has access to, and today decided to move out, "unfriend" me, and she doesn't want me to make coffee for her in the AM or make copies of the Sudoku puzzles from the newspaper (the last two part of keeping the peace).....

I didn't say anything then, but I'll believe it when I see it. Who can she go mooch off of now?

The Facebook thread, not all these posts are me, but could have been the catalyst:

We used to have some great Navy sayings.... "If you don't know what it does, don't touch it". "If you can't fix it, don't fool with it". "Life is tough, it's tougher is you're stupid".

The best (or worst) "Bang head here" (with a bloody spot on a piece of paper which was taped to the bulkhead) because there were so many who could not follow the previous set of instructions.... with luck, we sent them home alive.....


What about "did your mother have any children that lived?"


‎"How do you remember to breathe? "

There used to be (and maybe still is) a facebook page called "Sh*& My Chief Says" - had me in tears several times

‎"If it was off, turn it back off when you're done. If it's on, leave it on."

"We had posters on the bulkheads near critical items to keep the OS's at bay ;-)


always love the "football bat" comments too

‎"You're as f.. as a soup sandwich." I learned that one in boot camp, and a painting of one was on our company flag... a Campbell's Soup can between two slices of bread

Here's a favorite: "If it isn't yours, don't touch it."

‎"They named a street for you - One Way".

I like "I KNOW YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID, BUT I'M NOT SHURE IS WHAT YOU HEARD IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY."

Wow...
Maybe set her and mom down at the dining room table and lay down the law.. Set an expectation for a reasonable resolution.

You gotta lay everything out in the table bud.. Dropping hints on FB ain't gonna get it done.

Good luck, your gonna Need it.


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hkunz,

Throw that mooch off the couch, switch the channel to whatever you want, take that RV wherever you want, take the monster drink out of her hand and throw it on the ground, take YOUR TV out of YOUR extra room she lives in, don't pull your punches.
When the arguing starts, just turn around and walk away, middle finger extended as you go.
When Mom intervenes, (and this is what worked for Me) pack a bag and leave for a couple days.

I just went to a hotel, didn't do anything stupid or pretend to be single. Just told Deb I AM NOT coming back to that..and I meant it.
SHE chose to stay married to Me, turns out THAT is what She honestly wanted, just did not take me serious before I left.
She told her spawn that they were not going to cost her our marriage.
At that point it was all up to her, no way I was going to put up with it for one more day. Life is TOO SHORT.
I told her I am too old to spend whatever time I have left fighting just to enjoy myself, and losing.
No fucking way.
I don't care if they Facebook the sob story from hell, I'll be out on the Lake anyway.
Don't care if they think I am the biggest asshole ever, truth is I can and will be if that is what it takes.

Originally Posted by 28Eliminator

Wow...
Maybe set her and mom down at the dining room table and lay down the law.. Set an expectation for a reasonable resolution.

You gotta lay everything out in the table bud.. Dropping hints on FB ain't gonna get it done.

Good luck, your gonna Need it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I tried the laying down the law, that didn't work. We set reasonable expectations, that didn't work.

Dropping hints on Facebook did help... last night she unfreinded me, told her mom she didn't want me to try to be nice any more, and is moving out..... I'm going to guess that the moving out will take a while, she even installed her own Dish network on the roof....

The interesting thing about the "hints on Facebook" is that I was having a conversation with a Senior Chief still on active duty while at sea. We were just going on about old Navy sayings, nothing directed at her. SHE took them as directed at her (guilty conscience?) when she looked at our conversation. All of this was originally inspired by the fact that I had spent the weekend at my old command from 95-98, but now as a retiree using the RV park facilities. Words I had forgotten, like LIMDU, and MEDSEP, brought back the lingo and sayings...... but hey, whatever works.

I really don't want to move out - I love it here, and I have nowhere to go. SD was great, but the traffic sucked, and I'd hate to commute across that bridge again. The ranch was sold a few years back when Donna made it clear she didn't want to move to Washington and live in the cold 65 miles outside Spokane. With no farm, and no homestead, I could live in an inexpensive house with nothing to do, instead of an expensive house with nothing to do, but muddy roads and six months of snow would be hard on the equipment I have.... I followed her here for her job, which pays way more than mine ever did, WAY more.

And I certainly wouldn't want to be back in the dating market. I know several gorgeous women, but when they open their mouths only trash comes out, even the very intelligent ones. Others have husbands and families, and one of my favorites, as another kiddo says, "Why would you want to be friends with someone who lies all the time?" because she tells puffery stories about her Mercedes SLK 500 she has to leave at home because of the mileage while she drives a broken down Cavalier with a screwdriver for a key Great to look at, and maybe a real squirmer, but not long term closeness..... Oh, and the husband in prison isn't a real selling point, either....

Originally Posted by hkunz

The interesting thing about the "hints on Facebook" is that I was having a conversation with a Senior Chief still on active duty while at sea. We were just going on about old Navy sayings, nothing directed at her. SHE took them as directed at her (guilty conscience?) when she looked at our conversation. All of this was originally inspired by the fact that I had spent the weekend at my old command from 95-98, but now as a retiree using the RV park facilities. Words I had forgotten, like LIMDU, and MEDSEP, brought back the lingo and sayings...... but hey, whatever works.

I really don't want to move out - I love it here, and I have nowhere to go. SD was great, but the traffic sucked, and I'd hate to commute across that bridge again. The ranch was sold a few years back when Donna made it clear she didn't want to move to Washington and live in the cold 65 miles outside Spokane. With no farm, and no homestead, I could live in an inexpensive house with nothing to do, instead of an expensive house with nothing to do, but muddy roads and six months of snow would be hard on the equipment I have.... I followed her here for her job, which pays way more than mine ever did, WAY more.

And I certainly wouldn't want to be back in the dating market. I know several gorgeous women, but when they open their mouths only trash comes out, even the very intelligent ones. Others have husbands and families, and one of my favorites, as another kiddo says, "Why would you want to be friends with someone who lies all the time?" because she tells puffery stories about her Mercedes SLK 500 she has to leave at home because of the mileage while she drives a broken down Cavalier with a screwdriver for a key Great to look at, and maybe a real squirmer, but not long term closeness..... Oh, and the husband in prison isn't a real selling point, either....

I did not want "move out" either, and did not plan on it.
I rolled the dice and it worked. My point was made.

If Deb had told Me to not come home, guess what? I would not want to be there anyway in that case.

So, if you are willing to live like that, you have no right to complain.
But IMO, you are selling yourself way short of the happiness you probably deserve?

I'm not suggesting you "move out", just make a stand and let them know that you WILL leave if things don't change.

kunz; sounds lilke you got the easy life.... but what are you 'paying' for it???? If thats what its worth to you then by all means enjoy it!

Every Man has a "price"... to pay for whatever they want in life and out of life. The 'cost' is always negotiable with a party that is capable of intelligent negotiation. That is the ultimate "partner" in life and when you find them its very hard to let them go. It should be just as hard for them to let you go if the feelings are mutual. If they arent, well then you are certainly cheating yourself out of something that could-be.

Kids will always be kids when they are growing up because of the fact that their pee-brains just cant comprehend the things that really matter... as they get older, gain intelligence, experiences in life, get street smart... they tend to understand alot more. The 'light-bulbs' start going off and you witness this as your conversations with them begin having some real content to them rather than just small talk. BUT you have to have a PARENT-CHILD relationship FIRST without question as to WHO is in control of the situation. If you dont have that then nothing will work towards a better relationship as adults in the future when you begin to accept them as equals.

We will always be their parents, but our relationships with our kids when they become adults should be the best we can ever ask or want for.

You're right, PTC. No 16 hour days, no drive to work.... also, I'm kind of at the mercy of my bride, the one I love..... What's really been torquing me off recently is the admonition to, "stop spending money" on stuff for me, while the kid continues the 20 minute showers, one-hour hair drier times, eating the best of the food (if we're having filet, so is she), and still not a penny for rent or food.

The kid took the car (2002 Thunderbird) down to her sister's for the twins birthday. The car broke down, she called her sister, and then stood away from it. We're in Bakersfield, the car broke down in Corona. Her sister rented a trailer and took it to Fallbrook for repairs. $1250, of which 300 was parts. If the car was home, I'd have fixed it myself, so it would have cost me $300 for the parts. The kid doesn't pay.... she finally relents and gives Mom $600; the first money paid to us since August. At that, I'm in the doghouse for pointing out the flaws in the math.

A small "payback" - I go for surgery tomorrow, hip replacement. I told them both that I won't be able to wipe my butt, so they'll have to. The look on the kid's face was priceless!

I've gone through this the past couple years, and there's something really magical that happens (if you're lucky I guess). When my oldest graduated high school, we told him college or full time work.... no skateboarding your life away on my dime. He couldn't find a job, and dropped out of college, so the ultimatum was handed down. A job and pay rent or get out. He chose to move in with a friend of his and his buddies dad. After over a year of dealing with these nutcases, he realized WE aren't the problem. We always told him that if it came down to it he could come back home, but the same rules applied as before. For about a year he kept wanting to know why we were trying to force him into coming back home. We explained it was just an offer, a "plan B" as it were. The planets must have aligned as he finally asked to come back home as he was going nowhere fast and realized he'd been wasting his life to that point. he was actually GRATEFUL he could come back to a stable environment, regular meals, comfy bed, etc.
He is now employed full time at a Ford dealer doing what he loves. He has a smile on his face every day and can see he has a future. I came to the realization that it's not what someone accomplishes, but what they BECOME that matters. He is 180 degrees from what he was when he moved out. It doesn't matter what job he has as long as he enjoys life and continues to grow as a person. I can honestly say that I am PROUD of my son. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't have said that a couple years ago. This could NOT have happened if it were left up to my wife to be the bad guy.
The fight isn't over though. I still have a 17 year old that hasn't learned any life lessons. At least I have an inkling that life CAN get better and a crappy road map on how to get there. Why didn't anyone tell me what having kids was REALLY about?

Originally Posted by slowride

I've gone through this the past couple years, and there's something really magical that happens (if you're lucky I guess). When my oldest graduated high school, we told him college or full time work.... no skateboarding your life away on my dime. He couldn't find a job, and dropped out of college, so the ultimatum was handed down. A job and pay rent or get out. He chose to move in with a friend of his and his buddies dad. After over a year of dealing with these nutcases, he realized WE aren't the problem. We always told him that if it came down to it he could come back home, but the same rules applied as before. For about a year he kept wanting to know why we were trying to force him into coming back home. We explained it was just an offer, a "plan B" as it were. The planets must have aligned as he finally asked to come back home as he was going nowhere fast and realized he'd been wasting his life to that point. he was actually GRATEFUL he could come back to a stable environment, regular meals, comfy bed, etc.
He is now employed full time at a Ford dealer doing what he loves. He has a smile on his face every day and can see he has a future. I came to the realization that it's not what someone accomplishes, but what they BECOME that matters. He is 180 degrees from what he was when he moved out. It doesn't matter what job he has as long as he enjoys life and continues to grow as a person. I can honestly say that I am PROUD of my son. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't have said that a couple years ago. This could NOT have happened if it were left up to my wife to be the bad guy.
The fight isn't over though. I still have a 17 year old that hasn't learned any life lessons. At least I have an inkling that life CAN get better and a crappy road map on how to get there. Why didn't anyone tell me what having kids was REALLY about?

You didn't read the "baby books"?????

Originally Posted by thatguy

You didn't read the "baby books"?????

Lost the User Manual on the way home from the hospital I guess.....