For do it yourselfers
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For do it yourselfers

  1. #1
    Senior Member 76ELIMINATOR's Avatar
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    Default For do it yourselfers

    Tools Explained (best explanation I've ever heard, and every word true)






    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

    SKIL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son of a b*tch TOOL

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    Son of a b*tch TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    RIP CHEWY-- 11/94--12/06
    RIP MIKA -- 10/95-- 5/09

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Deltarat's Avatar
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    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


    Isn't that the truth
    What happens on the Delta stays on the Delta

  4. #3
    Senior Member 76ELIMINATOR's Avatar
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    Drill Press--- been there, had that happen


    Wire Wheel--- That will get you talking to your self, and bleeding pretty damn good. Just hope that none of the wires break off in your fingers, getting them out is a bitch, don't ask me how I know, just take my word for it.


    Vise Grips--- When using as a clamp for welding, smack them with something to remove them, don't use your hand. Again, just take my word for it. Man that hurts like a sum biatch.

    That two ton floor jack WILL NOT take the intake great out of a jet boat--- no way, no how.


    RIP CHEWY-- 11/94--12/06
    RIP MIKA -- 10/95-- 5/09

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  6. #4
    pay me or pay me no mind 707DOG's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Deltarat View Post
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


    Isn't that the truth
    lmao thats the truth.....


    I call it the brain tube, I've been telling her the more time she spends on it, the smarter it's going to make her.

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