I have heard troubling rumbles of ill-conceived discontent echoing in the dark corners of our country. Such traitorous dissent threatens the integrity of the social fabric that has enabled us to create a wondrous civilization from what was once a savage wilderness. It falls to those of us who guide the glorious destiny of this great nation to address such scurrilous and dangerous falsehoods. It is my duty -- no, my privilege -- to speak out and crush those who would bring ruin and damnation upon us all.
I address, of course, those ignorant souls who claim -- against all logic and evidence -- that the natural order must be overturned, that the carefully constructed relationship between government and citizen that has sustained the economic and moral advancement of our people must be condemned and abandoned. These so-called "Republicans" squawk for an unwarranted "equality" and "freedom," for an eradication of the hierarchy that keeps the compassion of our world operating smoothly and efficiently.
It is enough to ponder some of the outrageous contentions of these self-righteous Republicans to recognize the folly of their illusive visions.
Our foul Republican opponents offer the fanciful notion that citizens are sovereign individuals like us, fully capable of directing their own lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. Simple economic research makes clear that some citizens lack the inherent ability to understand their situation in all its complexity. If faced with the myriad of difficult choices and decisions confronting my fellow Americans, a citizen would tremble in fear and self-doubt. Citizens possess neither the mental acuity nor the moral cohesiveness required for sifting through the vast maze of existence. They tell us that they are much more comfortable deferring to our greater knowledge and wisdom. Indeed, I have personally heard citizens declare that they want us to make the tough decisions for them. They seek solace in their daily work and simple responsibilities, leaving to their political appointees the task of navigating paths fraught with peril and loss.
The Republicans counter this obvious observation by a subtle sophistic evasion: decent schooling is all a citizen needs, they say with earnest innocence. But education will not win a citizen virtue denied him by his economic lot. Over many decades, we have shepherded these guileless wards in what and how they learn. Any suggestion that we toss aside our role as caring mentors and let these people, our fellow countrymen, select willy-nilly their own road is met with horrified denial by those very citizens. They trust neither themselves nor their fellows. Heavy though our burden sometimes is, we have not shirked from telling our young future citizens when they shall begin their education; what subjects they shall be taught; the manner in which the facts they need to know will be presented; and what their proper place in society is and shall ever be.
Pay no heed, either, to cries of "indoctrination!" shouted by the Republicans or Libertarians. We socialize our citizen so they can perform their tasks without troubling thoughts disturbing their equanimity. Why should they as well as we be forced to contend with disquieting facts that would only make them unhappy? Better that they continue in long-standing familial routines that anchor their uncomplicated lives and that they rejoice in carefree entertainments that leave them peaceful and contented with their lot.
Perhaps, though, I take too much to heart the bleating protests of the Republicans. After all, the social and economic order we have erected over the passing years serves everyone well. Do we not permit our citizens to expand their skills in those areas in which they demonstrate personal proclivities? We determine for them how much they shall be paid for their efforts; what percentage of that income they shall be allowed to keep for themselves; and how much we shall take in recompense for our own considerable labors in keeping them housed and fed and cared for. When they are sick, to whom do they look for relief? When they are hungry, to whom do they turn for bread? When their homes are destroyed by natural disaster or by their own careless neglect, who do they expect to answer their wails of anguish?
To ask such questions is to answer them.
We pay for the birthing of their babies. We pay for the basic education of those children. We pay for the care of those toddlers while the mothers work at their duties. We pay for food that we determine is healthy for them. One way or another, we pay for the sick and the lame and the malformed.
We pay for the roofs over their heads and ensure that they build those dwellings in accordance with the procedures our experience has convinced us is best. The color of paint on their walls, the kinds of plants they put into the ground, how closely their homes may be placed together, who shall or shall not be allowed to live in which buildings, when those homes must be forsaken as too decrepit or razed to make way for plans of our own: those are our decisions, ones our citizens willingly accede to us and require.
We decide how many hours they may work. We decide at what age they may work. We decide which jobs are suitable for which of them. We decide how they shall resolve their common and legal disagreements, what they may be permitted to say to one another and what words are acceptable and which are not. We protect them from physical harm and deny them weapons that they would rashly use against themselves or their neighbors. Or us.
We provide for their old age. Just as we do for the children, we come full circle and pay for the homes of the old, for their food, for the doctors and medicine fulfilling their medical needs, the pleasures that help them while away their diminishing years. Even though they no longer participate in the economy, still we have taken on the thankless undertaking of keeping them alive and reasonably satisfied with the end.
And regardless of what Republicans and Libertarians might say, the truth is that our citizens, our voters, want us to do all this for them. The minuscule minority of our country who think they want to decide for themselves, provide for themselves, abide by themselves are deluded by their naiveté. To seek anonymity from us is to admit criminal intent, a charge they tremble at contemplating. Obedience garners rewards. Defiance of our edicts invites punishment so dire and severe that both the guilty and the guileless must shrink from the very possibility of incurring our wrath.
I grow angry even hypothesizing about a society in which citizens are treated as equal to the political party and deserving of a misguided freedom that could only bring them consequences too grave to allow. The Republicans and Libertarians do not really care for those they seek to "liberate." They are cold and heartless beasts who would cast the unwilling and the unable upon the storm-tossed waters of reality. Where will these conservatives be when those they "free" are sick and dying, when the bad choices of these citizens leave them destitute and homeless, hungering for a scrap of food, when their ignorance and imprudence lead them into the black depths of despair?
The only thing these arrogant conservatives will accomplish should their silly plans reach fruition is a vast increase in the suffering and misery of the very ones they purport to help; a disintegration of the social order into chaos and destruction; a dissolution of the bonds between government and citizen that have helped us establish a new Eden upon earth.
As we move into the second decade of the Twenty-first Century, I urge all those who read these words to disavow the cranks and the outlaws, the misfits and the malcontents, the vicious animals who want to abolish all we have accomplished in favor of a cruelly primitive life in which those least able to care for and direct their own lives are cast aside, are left alone and deserted by those who would otherwise be there ready and willing to protect and defend them from themselves.