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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
 

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A man walking home late at night sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . . it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," says the man, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."
 

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An Arizona State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 mile east of
Winslow. When the Officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the
driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his
way to Holbrook to do a show that afternoon at the Government Center
for the County Attorneys Office and didn't want to be late.

The Officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket. The driver told the Officer that he had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Officer told him that
he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could
juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Officer got three
flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car and an obviously intoxicated individual got out. After
watching the performance briefly he went over to the patrol car, opened the
rear door and got in. The Officer observed him doing this and went over
to the patrol car and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my but to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
 

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Wal-Mart Greeter

A VERY ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you

think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!"
 

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The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said... (You're going to love this!)









"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both
tests came out positive!"
 

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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect.You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about thisman?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only
one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.
 

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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish..................................49.
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathologica l liar.
Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional...........................Bitch.
Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes.....................................No
No......................................Yes
Maybe.................................No
We need...............................I want
I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry Ø We need to
talk......................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry...........................I am hungry
I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
I love you..............................Let's have sex now
I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.
 

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Would You Re-marry???
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."


WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."


WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND
 

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To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the
young man went up to the roof of his apartment building
in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show,
he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man
fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn
on his"tool".This young man was determined not to miss
this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and
wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at
his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home
cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room
to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young
man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be
excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall,
cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member
in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing,
wandered into the kitchen to see him with his "tool"
immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde
exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
 

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2lb. can of coffee,

And a 1lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunken man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunken man calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunken man to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, youre absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"















The drunk man replied, "Cause you're ugly.":)devil:)devil
 

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I have a Golden retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A blond woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
(DUH!)

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
 

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said for best results put on two coats.
 

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A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:

5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
 
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